My Ayahuasca Experience: Part 2
The second cup went much deeper than the first. I didn’t have an intention like I did the first time, so it was a free-for-all. “Mother Aya” would show me what she felt I needed. This one hit me quickly as well, and again, I felt extremely connected to nature, the Earth, and everyone in the ceremony, like we were all one organism, strung together through magical, energetic cords, similar to vines. I started to feel entangled in my blankets, like all of our blankets were combined in the circle. It was somewhat unsettling for me to feel so close and connected to everyone, like we didn’t have our own separate limbs or bodies. It was very intimate and disconcerting for me to “lose” my sense of separateness.
And then it really hit me– a cascading waterfall of visuals that overstimulated me once again. I felt overwhelmed, anxious and dizzy. I tried asking for a helper, but one couldn’t come quickly enough, so I stumbled out of the Maloka and immediately threw up in the grass. That explained the dizzy feeling. I was on hands and knees in the grass, and I had no idea where I was. Someone helped me orient myself and walked me to the bathroom. Here we go again, I thought, Round 2 of this craziness. When I was near the bathroom, I felt a strong sense of knowing what was going on. I could see not only what I was purging, but what others around me were purging as well. I saw the purged energy lifting off of them in various colors and patterns, and I felt what it was, too:
Decades of questioning and doubting ourselves, having negative beliefs and thoughts, experiencing traumatic events, holding onto attachment wounds, and also, letting go of hatred, anger, grief, and sadness and so much more that we’ve accumulated from society’s messages, conditioning and our lifetime of being human. Our souls NEEDED to purge the uncomfortable experiences of being human and our conditioned experiences, because holding onto all of these experiences, beliefs, thoughts and emotions weren’t serving us deep down–They were making us sick in more ways than one.
I made my way to the private bed again, still feeling out of control. I never realized how strong my control issues were, or how difficult of a time I’d have letting go and surrendering. I always envisioned myself as a laid back, type B person. I had two options: the first, to take deep breaths, relax, soothe myself and surrender to what I was seeing, feeling, hearing and experiencing – an absolutely terrifying concept to me. That’s because the more you surrendered, the more you lost touch with reality and your body–your identity as being human. Time didn’t make sense. Days didn’t make sense. Technology didn’t make sense. Even breathing, water, and food didn’t make sense. The second option? To not let go and surrender, and to stay on the surface (our human reality) by distracting myself, talking to someone, or seeking some sort of external comfort. In other words, not allowing myself to get still, quiet, and go inward, which is what Mother Aya wanted me to do. This also was terrifying and increased my anxiety and purging. You see, vomiting isn’t the only way to purge. It also includes shaking, yawning, crying, laughing, going to the bathroom, and for me, talking (which we weren’t supposed to do).
Generational family trauma
The second cup also brought up some deep intergenerational wounds for me. Somewhere in my experience, I saw a giant, dark, black and redd’ish mountain on the right side of me. You see, my grandparents on my mother’s side were in the Holocaust, and I came face-to-face with Hitler and the Nazis, and all of the pain they inflicted in the spirit world amongst families for generations beyond the Holocaust. All of that pain and suffering was in this mountain.
My grandparents died when I was young, and I never really got to know them, appreciate them, and talk to them about any of this. I also distanced myself from my Jewish upbringing for a long time because I felt abandoned and betrayed by the community community starting when I got bullied in middle school at the private Jewish school I attended.
For some reason, my subconscious wanted me to face this. It was a deep family trauma that I had never processed or healed from, and it was deeply ingrained in my cells and DNA. I felt as if I had an extreme calling from the spirit world to take on this pain– not just for me and my family– but for all of the families Hitler hurt and left traumatized for generations. As self-centered as that may sound, my soul was called to this task because I am Jewish, and I’m marrying a man who is German. And also, because I was running away from that part of myself and my history.
I know it was a calling from the spirit world to heal this for myself, my family and so many others… and now I was ready to hear it. I felt many spirits, including the Shaman, gather in a circle around me and the mountain, waiting for me to surrender and go down the rabbit hole. I was terrified and didn’t want to, and kept resisting and saying that I wasn’t ready, that it was too much for me to take on, that it wasn’t fair, that I couldn’t do it alone, that I wanted my parents there if I was going to do it, and that I also wanted my dogs and horses there, too! Anything to put this off and get out of it. I feared if I took this on, the purging would last forever and would never end because of the depth of the pain. I was overwhelmed with immense panic and decided I wasn’t ready.
Shift in experience…
My experience finally shifted, and I started to relax and surrender. I began to see visions of the spirit world. It felt so familiar, like I’d been there before, and a crazy sense of déjà vu came over me. There were countless souls floating around like bright orbs, and everyone was full of nothing but peace, love and light.
The only difference between them were the different levels the souls were; on a scale of 0-10 for how evolved they were. The younger souls didn’t have as much life experience, or hadn’t learned the lessons they needed to learn yet, were much less spiritual, more judgmental, and more closed minded — in line with the ego. Older souls were much more full of love, enlightenment, acceptance, and openness.
I later discovered this was very in line with Ainsley MacCleod’s book, The Instruction: Living the life your soul intended. I went deeper into the world, and I can’t describe how, but somehow I saw my soul looking back at me like in a mirror. The best way I can describe how my soul looked was a blue being from the movie, Avatar, but less defined. She looked sad and alone, and my heart felt for her. I wanted to connect with her and love her, but I didn’t know how. It made me feel a great pain that I wasn’t deeply connected with my own soul–my truest, purest, highest self.
As the night wore on, the ayahuasca started to wear off and everyone began to settle down. There was more music, singing, and prayers and the ceremony came to a close. We finally got to eat and drink water as we were all slowly digesting and sharing what we had experienced. The food tasted incredible, and water, so pure. If you ever want to have immense gratitude for food and water, try fasting for a day or more. Or better yet, participate in an Ayahuasca ceremony, and you’ll also have immense gratitude for not only food and water, but for being alive, nature, family, and the bigger world around you.
Now I would love to hear from you.
I know this experience sounds a bit crazy to some, but keep in mind it’s very different for everyone. It’s also only deeply healing if you want it to be. (I went in with the intention of deep healing). Let me know what you think about my first ceremony experience (part 1 and 2) in the comments below and I look forward to going deeper with you. Sending much love, self-care, and gratitude.
p.s. Check out my ayahuasca experience via my new video Project Ayahuasca: The Journey Within below. It’s only 5 minutes long!